Medicinal Fried Chicken
New state laws prohibiting fast food restaurants in low-income neighborhoods result in the closure of all KFC eateries in Colorado, much to the dismay of Cartman, who is addicted to the food. When Randy Marsh learns that South Park's KFC outlet is now a medical marijuana dispensary, he attempts to give himself cancer so he can get a doctor's referral for marijuana after first gaining a clean bill of health from his doctor since he had assumed permits are given to the healthy. By irradiating his groin with a microwave oven, Randy successfully gives himself testicular cancer, making his testicles so large that he has to use a wheelbarrow to carry them. Randy obtains his medical referral and starts smoking marijuana regularly. Meanwhile, his testicles continue to grow to the point that he uses them as a space hopper for movement. Randy finds that larger testicles are attractive to women, including his wife, Sharon Marsh, so he encourages his friends to also get testicular cancer. The local doctor, unaware of the men's self-irradiation, becomes convinced that a recent change in South Park is responsible for the cancer outbreak.
Meanwhile, Cartman learns that all KFCs in Colorado have been shut down because of a new law which bans fast food. After receiving treatment for KFC withdrawal, Cartman is introduced to Billy Miller, a local boy who runs an illegal KFC cartel from his home. Billy hires Cartman to sell his illegal food, a job that provides Cartman with the same food as payment. After Cartman demonstrates his ruthlessness against a cheating street dealer, Billy sends him and another employee, Tommy, to Corbin, Kentucky to buy chicken directly from Colonel Sanders. Sanders is impressed by Cartman but has Tommy executed after discovering him to be a mole for healthy foods advocate Jamie Oliver. Cartman wins over the Colonel's trust, but is warned to never betray him. Cartman eventually betrays Billy by telling Billy's mother that he got an F on his social studies test, and takes over the cartel after Billy is grounded. The Colonel assigns Cartman the task of assassinating Oliver to prevent him from giving a speech in the United Nations. However, the gluttonous Cartman soon comes to abuse the KFC food he assigned to sell, and forgets the Colonel's assassination order. The Colonel, furious at Cartman's incompetence, sends a squad of gunmen to kill him, leading to a firefight with the police that kills Billy's mother, and which Cartman escapes unscathed.
Randy's testicles grow so large that he is unable to fit through the doors of the marijuana dispensary. Prohibited by law from purchasing marijuana outside the premises, Randy and the other self-irradiated men begin protesting for larger marijuana dispensary doors. As politicians discuss the issue, the marijuana dispensary owner suggests that marijuana simply be legalized, arguing that people are abusing the medicinal system anyway. A local doctor then opines that the ban on KFC had led to the rise in testicular cancer because the chicken was somehow preventing it. Colorado bans marijuana once again. KFC reopens locations in the state, which are now re-branded as "Medicinal Fried Chicken." Randy has his cancerous testicles removed and replaced with prosthetic ones, and has the skin from his removed enlarged scrotum made into a new skin coat for Sharon.
"Buffalo Soldier" Sang by Randy Marsh