|Voiced by||Trey Parker|
|First Appearance||Jared Has Aides|
A spokesperson for Subway sandwhiches, Jared becomes a beloved figure when he manages to lose a ton of weight on a Subway-only diet, but begins to feel ashamed of himself when he fails to credit his aides for helping him. His attempts to mend the problem, by coming clean and starting the Aides for Everyone foundation continue to create problems, until everyone realizes the misunderstanding over the meaning of 'aides'. He went missing after the whole "Pedofile" business for some time. He later joined Tom Cruise and other celebrities in suing the town, but was killed by Ginger Kids.
- "That's right. I got aides about two years ago and I've been losing weight ever since. It's amazing how slim you can get with aides." (Jared Has Aides)
- "I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm going to give them aides myself!" (Jared Has Aides)
- "Hey Tom, I had too much Subway, can I use your bathroom?" (200)